Communication is the Bridge to a Satisfying Sex Life

Do you find it awkward to talk about sex with your partner? If so, you are not alone. In fact, most people experience some degree of discomfort when it comes to talking about sex, and many report that they avoid the topic all together.

There are many reasons that we don’t feel comfortable talking about sex. We generally aren’t taught or socialized to talk about sex, or even told that it’s ok and important to do so. Simultaneously, messaging that sex is taboo remains all too common, societal pressures and media portrayals often create unrealistic expectations that great sex should happen “spontaneously and effortlessly,” and many people hold the belief that talking about sex means that something is wrong or missing. As a result, the most common explanations that people provide for not talking about sex often include things like not knowing how to approach the issue; feelings of guilt, shame or embarrassment; fear of rejection; and concerns about not wanting to upset their partner’s feelings.

While it can feel awkward to talk about sex, it’s important to open up about how you feel and what you need. Communication is what helps us to evolve from where we are in our sexual relationships to where we’d like to be. Talking about sex enhances intimacy and connection and promotes sexual satisfaction by allowing us to better understand both our own and our partner’s needs, preferences, concerns and desires. In fact, partners that talk about sex report having better sex than those who don’t. Taking about sex can also be an important first step towards re-introducing sex into your relationship if you haven’t had sex in a while, and can serve to re-ignite the sexual energy in your relationship.

As with many awkward topics, we are likely to avoid initiating conversation and may hope that it just comes up organically. Unfortunately, waiting around for the conversation to spontaneously happen lessens the likelihood that we’ll actually talk about sex, and ultimately increases the stress and pressure around the topic. Thus, when it comes to talking about sex, it helps to take steps to lessen the discomfort.

Here are some tips for talking to your partner about sex:

Set the stage: Schedule a time to talk about sex with your partner. Find a time and place where you can talk without interruption or distraction. Avoid having this conversation right before having sex. Approach this conversation in much the same way you would for other relationship topics.
Create a safe atmosphere: Think about what you need in order to feel most comfortable. Do you feel safest talking when you are cozied up in bed, or on the sofa when the kids are asleep? On a walk or sitting on your favorite park bench? In a bar or restaurant with a sexy atmosphere? Soulful music in the background?
Come prepared: Think about what you want your partner to know about you and what you might want to know about them. It can be helpful to write down your questions and thoughts beforehand. Take turns speaking with kindness and listening with curiosity.
Keep the lines of communication open: Check in with each other to see how you are both feeling after the discussion, and if any other thoughts or questions came up. Make talking about sex a regular practice in your relationship. Make a date for further conversations.

Here are some topics of conversation that many people find helpful to consider:

Discuss how you are feeling emotionally and physically about sex. How do you each define sex and what it means to you? What does meaningful sex look like for you?
Talk about what feels good, what you enjoy, what you’d like to try. Talk about your wants, needs, and expectations, and how you’d like to explore this together.
Discuss preferences for frequency and differences in sex drives; warmup and foreplay; arousal and desire; preferred timing, conditions, and context/atmosphere; positions, types of touch, and pleasure.
Talk about comfort levels and boundaries. Share any fears or concerns you may have about sex, and what you both need to feel safe and comfortable.
Share a memory about great sex you’ve had with your partner. What made it so great? Was it the context? How were you feeling about yourself, your partner, your relationship? Were you feeling especially connected? What was it about the sex itself?
It’s also important to communicate during sex. Discuss verbal and non-verbal cues for when something feels good and when it doesn’t.
Explore non-sexual forms of physical intimacy that feel good and that make you feel connected.

While talking about sex may feel awkward and even intimidating, creating a container for open and curious dialogue can reduce this discomfort and can even make these conversations fun and enjoyable. Talking about sex doesn’t have to mean that there is a problem in the relationship. In fact, open communication about sex is a great way to maintain and enhance sexual satisfaction, and to foster greater intimacy and trust in your relationship. Let yourself lean into some discomfort, and consider talking to a professional if you are finding these conversations difficult and need some extra support.

Dr. Kimberley Cullen is a registered Clinical and Health Psychologist working with individuals and couples at Laksman Doell Psychology. Dr. Cullen has a special interest in the relationship between self-identity and mental health, and how these can be impacted by significant life events, life transitions, and managing multiple roles in life. Dr. Cullen enjoys helping clients to explore existential questions in service of their search for meaning, authentic living, and overall happiness.