The Art of Asking: Communicating Our Needs Clearly

Every relationship, professional or personal, relies on our ability to communicate effectively. Master the art of making requests that are both understood and respected.

One of the most common communication difficulties that we encounter in relationships, whether it’s with a partner, friend, or colleague, is how to effectively ask for what we want. Many of us were not taught effective communication strategies, and when we struggle to get important wishes and needs met, it can lead to conflicts, frustration, resentment, and feelings of ineffectiveness and loss of self-esteem.

Consider these helpful tips from communication expert Dr. Marshall Rosenberg the next time you wish to make a request. You may want to first practice with your close and safe relationships.

Be specific. Avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing.
“I’m concerned about the lack of consistency in how the information was presented on the first and last slides” rather than “I want you to edit this slide deck”.
Use positive language. State what you want vs. what you don’t want.
“I need you to get me any information that you require feedback on by 6:00pm” rather than “Don’t give me changes at the last minute”.
Stay consistent. Each time we make a request, the clearer we are about what we want, the more likely we are to get it. You may have to make the same request a couple of times, but practice can help us to be more effective, and persistence demonstrates that what we are requesting is important to us.
Check in. Sometimes the message that is received is not the message that we intended. It helps to check in to make sure that our message is being accurately heard. We may gently ask “Could you please tell me what you just heard me ask for? I want to make sure that I was clear”.
Non-demanding language. Requests are received as demands when the listeners believe that they will be blamed or punished if they don’t comply. This tends to have the unwanted effects of both reducing compliance over time and harming the relationship.

Dr. Wendy Zhao is a Clinical Psychologist who provides individual and couples therapy at Laksman Doell Psychology. She loves to help people develop a greater understanding of themselves to create systemic and sustained changes and progress towards meaningful life goals.